


The Gang Goes to Philly Pride

by iasipspec



Series: IASIPspec [7]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gay Pride, Gen, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 02:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10934769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: On a hot June day, the gang heads out to the annual Philadelphia pride parade. Charlie and Dee brave the heat (and some kleptomaniacal Panera Bread patrons), Dennis and Frank seek out the kinksters (and accidentally incur the wrath of a prominent YouTube antifeminist), and Charlotte, Sarah, and some old friends are unexpectedly joined by a now proudly-out Mac (and they're all kinda cringing about it).[ IASIPSpec, season 13, episode seven. ]





	The Gang Goes to Philly Pride

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Finals have swamped us to the point where a week went by with no update, but here we are back again with a new episode! For those not in the know, as per usual, Charlotte is Charlie's mysteriously absent sister from Season 1. She's the patron saint of being awesome and gay and we love her. Also at this point in our season, Charlie and Dee are dating. Thirdly, as usual, any questions can be directed to our tumblr, iasipspec.tumblr.com. Enjoy!

**SEASON 13, EPISODE 5**

**WRITTEN BY DAISY**

 

**SCENE 1:**

**TITLES**

 

**“1:42PM**

**ON A SUNDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

Yeah, he was the worst. Like, absolutely the worst. I spent like, 3 months trying to get him to break up with me. It wa crazy.

 

**EXT: CAFÉ - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE is seated at a table on a café patio. She wears a pink, purple, and blue tie dye shirt, and several similarly colored bracelets. She sits with 3 others. Next to Charlotte is “SARAH” the actress, CARMEN, and Carmen’s husband, NICK. “Sarah” and Carmen are both swathed in blue, white, and pink.**

 

**CARMEN**

Charlotte, you don’t know anything about bad exes.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What could be worse than pussyfooting around and trying to get someone to break up with you?

 

**CARMEN**

Okay listen. So I met this guy, right? And we really hit it off, I thought. He was pretty nice, you know how it goes. A little on the religious side, but not in a bad way, I thought.

 

**NICK**

Yeah, you thought wrong.

 

**CARMEN**

Oh, completely! So we dated for a little bit, right, but he was totally freaked out because I hadn’t gotten my bottom surgery yet, you know? It was totally obnoxious, but I dealt with it because he was nice. 

 

**“SARAH”**

You should have broken up with him the moment he started pulling that shit, C.

 

**CARMEN**

I know, I know. But like, Charlotte, he was crazy. We broke up finally, and then he somehow found out about me and Nick, right? And he found out I finally got my surgery, and he tracked me down and was like “Oh, Carmen, why didn’t you tell me, you promised you would!” And I was like oh come on, like if you were serious, you wouldn’t care.

 

**“Sarah” nods sagely, and Nick is already laughing.**

 

**Carmen (CONT’D)**

So he sees me and Nick at the gym, and he comes preaching to us about how gay marriage is an abomination! And it’s like man, come on. This isn’t a gay marriage, what the hell are you doing? It was so ridiculous.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Oh my god, seriously? Who is this guy?

 

**CARMEN**

I met him at an Irish bar, I think. His name was Mac.

 

**Charlotte blinks. Disappointment and shock all over her face.**

**Of course. Of fucking course.**

 

**CARMEN (CONT’D)**

Charlotte? You okay?

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

**(shouting in the background)**

Hey, Charlotte!

 

**CUT TO: THEME, INTRO**

**“THE GANG GOES TO PHILLY PRIDE”**

  
  


**SCENE 2:**

**EXT: CAFÉ - DAY**

 

**Closeup of Charlotte’s face. She’s sweating like a madman. Oh God, it can’t be the same Mac, can it? The same Mac with an Irish bar? The same fanatically religious Mac with an Irish bar?**

 

**She tries to ignore them, ignore their rapid approach.**

 

**“SARAH”**

Charlotte, are you okay?

 

**She swallows.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah, I’m good.

 

**NICK**

Charlotte, I think someone’s calling you?

 

**He turns to point, and immediately his face changes.**

 

**NICK (CONT’D)**

Oh good God.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(whispering to herself)**

Please don’t come over here, please don’t come over here, please-

 

**MAC has now made their way over, and he leans on the gate around the patio. He’s sporting rainbow attire in a very Mac way; notably, the sweatbands on his head and wrists. When you’re jacked like he is, that’s just how rainbows have to be. It’s totally badass.**

 

**MAC**

Charlotte! Fancy meeting you here, huh?

 

**Charlotte is covering her face. She nods.**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

Who are your friends?

 

**Carmen, who had her back to him, sighs.**

 

**CARMEN**

Hi Mac. Fancy meeting  _ you _ here.

 

**Mac looks genuinely surprised. Charlotte is still sitting there with her head in her hands. She tries to hang out with good people ONCE and this is what happens.**

 

**MAC**

Carmen? What are you doing here, dude?

 

**CARMEN**

I’m enjoying pride?

 

**MAC**

Enjoying-

 

**He smiles knowingly and taps his temple.**

 

**MAC**

Oh!  _ Riiiiight _ .

 

**He points to Charlotte.**

 

**MAC**

How do you know Charlotte?

 

**CARMEN**

I could ask you the same thing.

 

**MAC**

She’s Charlie’s sister. Duh.

 

**Carmen nods.**

 

**CARMEN**

I see.  _ That _ Charlie, huh?

 

**MAC**

Yeah, man. That Charlie. How do you know Charlotte?

 

**Charlotte groans.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(to herself)**

I do not know you, Mac.

 

**“SARAH”**

I introduced them. Carmen’s a friend of mine.

 

**MAC**

**(chuckling)**

Okay? Who the hell are you?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(mumbling)**

Farrah.

 

**MAC**

I don’t know anyone called “Farrah,” man.

 

**FARRAH**

I’m the actress? I pretended to date your ugly friend.

 

**MAC**

Oh, that was you! Not gonna lie, I did not recognize you. I thought you were like, a gross blond. And white.

 

**Farrah rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed.**

 

**Charlotte sits up.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Are you thinking of the waitress?

 

**Mac points at her.**

 

**MAC**

_ That’s  _ it.

 

**He smiles at her knowingly, as if this is some kind of shared secret.**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

Carmen, how do you and Sarah know each other?

 

**FARRAH**

Farrah.

 

**MAC**

That’s what I said.

 

**CARMEN**

Farrah and I are, uh, active in Philly’s trans community.

 

**MAC**

Oh, yeah, that’s cool, dude.

 

**He hops the gate, and pulls up a chair, squeezing himself between Farrah and Carmen.**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

Man, this is so cool right? I’m gay now, and it’s awesome, you know. This is crazy, dude, I never thought I’d see you again, Carmen. Or you, Nick. Like, what are the odds, right?

 

**FARRAH**

Well, I mean. Philadelphia is only so big.

 

**Mac shrugs.**

 

**CLOSE UP: Charlotte.**

**She has her head in her hands again.**

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

Isn’t this cool, Charlotte? Charlotte, dude. Can you believe you reunited me and Carmen? Old friends? Charlotte?

  
  


**SCENE 3:**

**EXT: SIDEWALK - DAY**

 

**DENNIS and FRANK walk down the sidewalk amidst rainbow flags, confetti, and colored powder being thrown at people. Dennis looks rather annoyed.**

 

**DENNIS**

I can’t believe I let Mac talk me into coming to this, and then he ditches me as soon as we get here. Like, the hell am I supposed to do now? Wave around a damn flag?

**A small confetti cannon goes off by his face. He makes a face.**

 

**Repulsive.**

 

**While Dennis is wrapped up in pretension, Frank seems to be looking for something. He’s leading Dennis somewhere.**

 

**FRANK**

Don’t worry Dennis. I know some guys that are gonna be here. They hang out by the docks.

 

**He nods, and finishes off his bottle of beer, then throws it against the wall. It shatters. Three girls turn around and give the both of them a look. Is beer even allowed?**

 

**DENNIS**

How do you know people that would be at a pride festival?

 

**FRANK**

They ain’t queers, but they sure as hell are sexual deviants. Real degenerates. Kinksters, if you will.

 

**DENNIS**

Sound like my kinda people.

 

**Frank nods, and leads the way around the corner. There they are, many clad in black leather, despite it being approximately 86 degrees Fahrenheit outside.**

 

**FRANK**

There they are.

 

**DENNIS**

Damn. 

 

**A man spots them and makes his way over. He’s short, pudgy, and has rather long and scraggly brown hair. Along with a poor excuse for a beard. Seems smug.**

 

**Dennis makes a disgusted face. Is this who’s he going to be hanging out with all day? This loser? Who looks like he just rolled off a faux leather couch?**

 

**DENNIS**

**(to Frank)**

Who the hell is this jackass?

 

**Frank opens his arms in greeting to the man.**

 

**FRANK**

Owen! Fancy meeting you here, huh?

 

**OWEN**

Glad you could make it, man. But tell you what, Frank, we had a rough time congregating. All these queers kept shooting us dirty looks. 

 

**He rolls his eyes. Those gays...** **_unbelievable_ ** **.**

 

**OWEN (CONT’D)**

But, I guess they saw me, and decided not to pick a fight, huh?

 

**DENNIS**

Saw  _ you _ ? Who was bothering you, some teenage girls?

 

**Owen puffs out his chest, trying to look tough, trying to get all up in Dennis’s face. It doesn’t work, though- Dennis has a solid 5 inches on the guy.**

 

**OWEN**

You trying to start something, man?

 

**Dennis begins to say something, but Frank intervenes. He pats Owen’s shoulder.**

 

**FRANK**

Don’t worry about him. He’s new ‘round here.

 

**The smug look returns to Owen’s face.**

 

**OWEN**

**(scoffing)**

Oh, what is he?  _ Vanilla _ ?

 

**He sneers, but Dennis, surprisingly, seems unperturbed- maybe only slightly annoyed by this man’s presence.**

 

**FRANK**

Oh no, Dennis here? Dennis is crazy.

**(to Dennis)**

Tell him about your tools.

 

**But Dennis seems much more interested in a scantily clad blonde parading around the kink group.**

 

**DENNIS**

Yeah, mhm...my tools. Sure.

 

**The blonde spots him and shoots him a smile. He smiles back.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

See you later, Frank. Don’t wait up, alright?

 

**He pushes Owen out of the way and strides over to the girl. Owen turns. He looks betrayed as he watches Dennis start chatting up the girl.**

 

**FRANK**

That the girl from the strip club?

 

**OWEN**

**(wistfully)**

Molly...no...

  
  


**SCENE 4:**

**INT: PANERA BREAD - DAY**

 

**We see a shot of the wall between the two bathroom doors. There are various flyers and posters pinned to the bulletin board, and flushes and water flowing can be heard.**

 

**Two women exit from the left, and then a man from the right a moment later. Then, Dee and Charlie emerge from either side, at the same time.**

 

**Dee adjusts her purple and pink bangles, and Charlie is trying to tie a pink, blue, and white bandana around his head.**

 

**DEE**

You better have washed your hands if you’re expecting any of my chips.

 

**They head out to their booth, and sit. Immediately, Charlie breaks a piece off of Dee’s bagel.**

 

**But Dee doesn’t notice. She’s frowning at the table. Then she peers over the table at the booth next to Charlie. She looks over the back of her own, then sits back down, outrage beginning to take root in her face.**

 

**CHARLIE**

What?

 

**DEE**

That guy stole my stuff! I asked him to watch it while I went to the bathroom.

 

**CHARLIE**

You asked someone to watch your stuff? Why didn’t you just wait for me to come back?

 

**He takes another piece of her bagel, and Dee glares at him.**

 

**DEE**

Because I knew you’d eat my food!

 

**CHARLIE**

Hey, at least he didn’t steal my jacket.

 

**He gestures to the jacket, piled next to him.**

 

**DEE**

Probably because it’s a denim jacket and it’s 90 degrees outside?

 

**She gives him a look as if to say, _Charlie please use your brain_.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

Anyway, focus. He took my shit, okay? My phone and money! This is like, a high crime! A felony!

 

**CHARLIE**

But like, you left it with that weird guy, I feel like you were kind of asking for it, Dee.

 

**DEE**

I was not “asking for it!” Who just comes into their local bread and steals people’s shit? We gotta find him. I spent good money on that phone!

 

**She starts to get up.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Dude, did you just call it a 'local bread'?

 

**DEE**

Yeah. Dude. Bread, short for Panera Bread? Duh?

 

**CHARLIE**

I don't think anyone else just calls it 'bread'.

 

**DEE**

Charlie, focus with me! We gotta figure out how to get my shit back.

 

**CHARLIE**

Wait, are you going to eat your bagel?

 

**DEE**

Sure.

 

**Dee tosses it to him.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

I’m too pissed to eat.

 

**Charlie catches it and follows her to the counter. The cashier hands a woman a box with pastries inside. Dee practically pushes her out of the way, and the woman shoots her a dirty look as she passes.**

 

**The cashier looks tired. He knows what’s coming.**

 

**CASHIER**

How can I help you, ma’am.

 

**DEE**

A guy took all my stuff.

 

**The cashier gives her a blank look.**

 

**CASHIER**

Okay.

 

**DEE**

He took my stuff! I would like some assistance with that!

 

**CASHIER**

What he look like?

 

**DEE**

I don’t know, black hair? I wasn’t there when he stole my shit!

 

**CASHIER**

You left your stuff alone?

 

**DEE**

He was supposed to watch it, not steal it, asshole!

 

**CASHIER**

You asked a stranger to watch your stuff?

 

**The cashier looks confused. He points at Charlie.**

 

**CASHIER (CONT’D)**

Why didn’t you ask your friend to watch it?

 

**DEE**

That doesn’t matter! Can’t you just help me find my shit?

 

**CASHIER**

Ma’am, I really don’t know how to help you. You don’t know what he looks like, and you asked him to watch your stuff. It seems like you kind of brought it upon yourself.

 

**CHARLIE**

Told you, dude.

 

**DEE**

**(frustrated)**

I did not bring it upon myself!

 

**She points at the cashier.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

_ You _ should be helping me.

 

**She scowls at him, then turns to Charlie.**

 

**Man, she is determined!**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

And  _ you _ are going to help me find my shit.

 

**Charlie groans.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I thought the whole reason you dragged me to Pride was to have fun. Be proud and shit.

  
  


**SCENE 5:**

**EXT: PARADE - DAY**

 

**Charlotte has Mac backed against a building and she is pointing at him menacingly. Or, her attempt at menacingly. He seems to be laughing at her more than taking her threats seriously.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I swear to God, if you say anything! I will kill you dude!

 

**MAC**

**(laughing)**

Like what, Charlotte? What are you so afraid of me saying?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You know what! You know why Carmen doesn’t like you!

 

**MAC**

Carmen doesn’t like me? 

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Of course not! You’re a jerk!

 

**MAC**

Then doesn’t that make her the problem here? Dee had her baby for her!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What does Dee have to do with you?

 

**MAC**

I’m good by association.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No you aren’t! You’re transphobic as hell!

 

**Mac gives her a skeptical look.**

 

**MAC**

Charlotte. How can I be transphobic if my best friend since childhood is a tran?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(whispering to herself)**

A tran…?

 

**She shakes her head.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)**

That’s just what I’m talking about. Whatever you want to say to Farrah or Carmen, don’t. Say the complete opposite. Don’t be rude.

 

**Mac narrows his eyes. He might be stupid, but he’s no idiot.**

 

**MAC**

I think you’re worried I’ll embarrass you in front of Sarah.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

It’s Farrah. And no, clearly, I want you to be nice to her and Carmen at Pride!

 

**He gives her another skeptical look.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)**

Don’t look at me like that!

 

**MAC**

I knew it. Don’t act so righteous, Charlotte.

 

**He says it “righty-us.”**

 

**Farrah and Carmen join them then, as they exit a small store. They’re giggling, laughing at something Farrah had said inside.**

 

**FARRAH**

What are you doing?

 

**Charlotte blushes and steps away from Mac, and shrugs.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Just shooting the shit. You know.

 

**CARMEN**

Mac, I would have thought you’d have run off with the Gang by now. Charlotte said they were all coming right?

 

**FARRAH**

**(muttering)**

Be more obvious, Carmen.

 

**Charlotte stifles a laugh, but Mac seems not to notice.**

 

**MAC**

Well you know, they’re all losers. They’re probably not even here yet. We’ll run into them at some point.

 

**Farah snorts.**

 

**FARRAH**

Sure hope I get to see Dennis. He still owes me my cut of his profits.

 

**Charlotte forces a laugh, and over-does it.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Oh man, Farrah. You’re right! Dennis  _ does _ still owe you! Oh man!

 

**Mac pulls a face, and exchanges a look with Carmen. Man, Farrah really has Charlotte whipped, and they’re not even dating.**

 

**CARMEN**

Uh, yeah.

 

**Farrah glances at her watch.**

 

**FARRAH**

Should we go meet Nick?

 

**Carmen smiles and nods. Farrah winks at Charlotte and she and Carmen head off, followed by Mac and Charlotte.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(whispering)**

Remember what I said, Ronald.

 

**MAC**

**(at full volume)**

And I think you should remember what  _ I _ said, Charlotte.

  
  


**SCENE 6:**

**EXT: PARADE - DAY**

 

**Charlie and Dee are really hitting the pavement. Dee looks damn determined. Charlie looks...sweaty.**

 

**DEE**

Are you okay? You’re sweating like, a lot, Charlie.

 

**He waves dismissively, but then wipes his hand on his denim jacket.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I’m always sweating, dude. It never stops. You know how it is.

 

**DEE**

No, I really don’t. 

 

**She stops, and puts her hands on her hips. She looks around, craning her neck. How statuesque! Charlie’s really messing up Dee’s renaissance-sculpture look. He’s slouching next to her, panting.**

 

**Well, they say opposites attract.**

 

**DEE**

Where could he have gone?

 

**Charlie squints in the direction she’s looking.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Well, I mean. Anywhere.

 

**DEE**

I’m not in the mood for sass, right now, alright?

 

**Dee continues looking around, and then-**

 

**Oooh, shit.**

 

**As we zoom in on her face, she locks in on her target.**

 

**We see the guy, distantly. He looks alarmed. It’s definitely him. He turns quickly and rounds the corner.**

 

**Dee grabs Charlie’s wrist.**

 

**DEE**

Got him!

 

**CHARLIE**

Huh?

 

**She sets out after him, dragging Charlie in tow.**

 

**Cue the intense chase music.**

 

**They weave in and out of people, and Dee’s throwing some elbows. She is not letting this boner keep her shit! Absolutely not!**

 

**They come to the end of a crowd, and she looks around for her target. Once she relocates him, the hunt is back on.**

 

**After a while of this chasing, Dee finally catches him.**

 

**She grabs him by the shoulder and jerks him to face her.**

 

**He’s got thin wire frame glasses, and even thinner, greasy hair.**

 

**DEE**

What the hell?

 

**You have the wrong man!**

 

**GREASY MAN**

You have the wrong man!

 

**Charlie groans and falls against the wall next to them.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Did we really do all that running for nothing?

 

**Valid complaint. He’s looking pretty tired. And hot- his face is like a tomato. A very wet and dewy tomato.**

 

**DEE**

You’re not the guy who took my stuff.

 

**GREASY MAN**

What?

 

**DEE**

I thought you were a guy who- why did you run from me?

 

**GREASY MAN**

I thought you were a lesbian. Duh.

 

**Dee makes a confused face.**

 

**DEE**

I’m literally wearing bisexual colors?

 

**GREASY MAN**

So you are one!

 

**CHARLIE**

Why would you run ‘cause she’s a lesbian?

 

**The Greasy Man scoffs.**

 

**GREASY MAN**

Who wouldn’t?

 

**He laughs to himself.**

 

**GREASY MAN (CONT’D)**

I mean, other than you people I guess.

 

**He rolls his eyes and points to his temple, a clear gesture toward Charlie’s bandana.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Man, the hell’s your problem?

 

**DEE**

You realize you’re at a Pride parade right? As in, like, gay people?

 

**He rolls his eyes.**

 

**GREASY MAN**

You people are all the same. Closed minded as always. We  _ kinksters _ are here too.

 

**DEE**

Oh boy.

 

**GREASY MAN**

Don’t “oh boy,” me, lady! You lesbians are all the same, you hate sexual freedom.

 

**DEE**

Okay literally I’m _not_ a lesbian, and besides I don’t think being a lesbian has  _ anything _ to do with girls not liking you.

 

**GREASY MAN**

Whatever, you don’t understand. Just don’t bother us with your gay crap later when we gather, alright?

 

**CHARLIE**

Dude, what’s your problem? You’re literally at gay pride!

 

**He shrugs, and turns to walk away. He mutters something, and Charlie picks up a crushed beer can and chucks it at him.**

 

**He shoots them a frown and then takes off running, arms extended behind him. What is that, aerodynamic?**

 

**DEE**

The hell is that all about?

 

**They share a confused look. Dee sighs.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

I still have to find my shit. C’mon.

 

**SCENE 7:**

**EXT: KINKSTER PRIDE - DAY**

 

**Dennis sits on the curb, head in his hands. Frank walks into view and stands behind him. He’s eating a corndog. Where did he even get that?**

 

**DENNIS**

This is so lame dude. I can’t believe you convinced me to hang out with your freaky friends all day.

 

**FRANK**

Hey, you said you were kinky, Dennis. These are your people. Embrace them!

 

**DENNIS**

These aren’t my people, man! There’s a guy walking his girlfriend on a leash! She is crawling on the goddamn asphalt!

 

**FRANK**

It’s what they do, Dennis. You wanted kinky, right?

 

**DENNIS**

Yeah, but not with guys who haven’t left their mother’s basement in 10 years.

 

**Frank shrugs, and sits down next to Dennis.**

 

**FRANK**

Think of it this way, Dennis. These people are expressing their deepest, most primal  _ desires _ . What other place could you see beautiful, mysterious women strutting around in BDSM gear?

 

**DENNIS**

Like, literally anywhere on the internet. Besides, the closest thing I’ve seen to a so-called “beautiful woman” was one dressed up as a blue dog. As in, like, she wanted to fuck a dog or something.

 

**OWEN (V.O.)**

_ Actually _ , they have a name, Dennis. They’re called furries, and their kinks are just as valid as yours.

 

**Owen appears behind them holding two wrapped sandwiches from KFC in his grubby little hands.**

 

**DENNIS**

So wanting to fuck a dog is a thing now?

 

**OWEN**

We’re at  _ Pride _ , dipshit. It’s where all the freaks come out.

 

**Dennis gives him a skeptical look, but says nothing.**

 

**FRANK**

Whatcha got there Owen?

 

**Owen hands Frank a sandwich, and unwraps his own. It’s cheese and bacon sandwiched between two fried chicken breasts.**

 

**Holy shit.**

 

**Frank unwraps his, and they both dive in.**

 

**Dennis looks like he’s about to be sick.**

 

**DENNIS**

You people are disgusting.

 

**He can’t take this anymore. All these kinksters in their bondage gear. Now, he’s down to clown, let’s not be mistaken here. But these people, these kinksters are ugly! What’s the point if you’re ugly?**

 

**And now- oh God! Are they gathering now? He’s overcome by the smell of sweat and leather.**

 

**They seem to be excited, or agitated.**

 

**Frank stands up to get a better look. Doesn’t do much, though.**

 

**FRANK**

What’s happening?

 

**Owen narrows his eyes as he takes another bite of the KFC monstrosity.**

 

**OWEN**

Some  _ feminists _ decided we shouldn’t be attending Pride, it seems.

 

**Dennis knits his eyebrows and stands up for a better view.**

 

**DENNIS**

Holy shit, is that-

 

**EXT: ACROSS THE STREET - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Is that Dennis?

 

**She seems to have locked onto Dennis across the street. Mac, Farrah, and Carmen are looking in that direction as well. Nick has joined them once again.**

 

**FARRAH**

Is that him?

 

**MAC**

Oh man, look at that guy he’s with! I’m never gonna let him live this down.

 

**CARMEN**

Who’s that guy he’s with?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Is that that guy from YouTube that hates Anita Sarkeesian?

 

**NICK**

Is he coming over here?

 

**Nick’s right. Owen is making his way over, Frank and Dennis in tow.**

 

**OWEN**

Shoo! All of you get out of here. Don’t make a scene!

 

**FARRAH**

Who are you talking to?

 

**OWEN**

All of you, and your little friends gathering here to kinkshame us.

 

**FRANK**

He says kinksters are never allowed at Pride.

 

**He raises his eyebrows and nods.**

 

**Dennis looks beyond humiliated to be associated with this freak.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

We’re not here to debate the ethics of kink, man.

 

**CARMEN**

We were just meeting here.

 

**OWEN**

Oh yeah, then explain all these angry gays!

 

**DENNIS**

I don’t know if you’ve realized this yet, but for the millionth time, we are  _ literally _ at Philly Pride, as in Philadelphia Gay Pride, a parade for gay people, dude.

 

**OWEN**

Alright, be that as it may-

 

**DEE (V.O.)**

**(shrill)**

_ There he is! _

 

**ENTER: Dee and Charlie.**

 

**Charlie is propped up on Dee, arm slung over her shoulders, her arm wrapped around his waist. She’s practically dragging him. At least he’s stopped sweating.**

 

**DEE**

You! Ponytail guy! You were supposed to watch my stuff this morning!

 

**MAC**

**(pointing at Charlie)**

Is he okay?

 

**Dee shrugs.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(slurring)**

‘m great buddy...holy shit...is that...cardamom?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Cardamom?

 

**CARMEN**

**(pointing to herself)**

Carmen?

 

**Charlie smiles vaguely.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Carmen.

 

**Dee readjusts her arm under his weight.**

 

**DEE**

Jesus Christ, Charlie. Can you try to stand up? I’m trying to do the whole confrontation thing.

 

**Charlie hums.**

 

**DEE**

Whatever.

**(to Owen)**

Where’s my shit? You took it!

 

**FRANK**

Whoa, whoa, Deandra. Don’t go throwing around wild accusations.

 

**DEE**

He did! I asked that asshole to watch my phone and wallet and he took my shit!

 

**Dennis scoffs.**

 

**DENNIS**

You trusted him?

 

**DEE**

Not the point! Thank you Dennis! I would like my stuff back!

 

**Owen looks insulted.**

 

**OWEN**

I did no such thing. I’ve never seen you in my life. 

 

**Dee makes a frustrated noise and pushes Charlie off of her. Charlotte catches him, and staggers under his weight.**

 

**Dee pounces on Owen and starts roughing him up, searching his pockets. She pulls out a flat aqua wallet and a phone in a dinged up white case.**

 

**DEE**

So I guess these are yours, huh?

 

**DENNIS**

You asked a stranger in a coffeehouse to watch your shit, are you really surprised?

 

**DEE**

Didn’t ask! You-

 

**Charlotte makes a small squeak, followed by a distinct thud. Everyone turns. Charlie is completely passed out on top of Charlotte, and she’s hitting at the ground as if to say “uncle!”**

 

**Carmen gives Charlotte a tired look.**

 

**CARMEN**

It’s getting late.

  
  


**SCENE 8 :**

**INT: PADDY’S - NIGHT**

 

**Dennis is standing behind the bar, setting up tequila shots. Mac sits at a stool opposite him.**

 

**MAC**

Don’t you think we should have gone with Charlotte and Dee and Frank to the ER?

 

**DENNIS**

Why would we do that? It’s not like he’s going to die. Nothing can kill him. Besides, you can’t die from heat stroke.

 

**MAC**

**(skeptically)**

I’m pretty sure you can, dude. Like, it’s a stroke. And people like, die from those.

 

**Dennis waves dismissively.**

 

**DENNIS**

Whatever. Let them cry about it or whatever. He’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it. 

 

**Dennis pours the tequila, pulls out some salt and two limes, and passes a shot glass to Mac.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

How about cheers to your first pride instead, huh?

 

**They clink shot glasses, and toss back some salt, tequila, and lime.**

 

**MAC**

It’s yours though, too, you know. Right?

 

**Dennis shrugs.**

 

**DENNIS**

If that’s what you wanna call hanging out with fans of beastiality is.

 

**Dennis prepares them both another shot. Mac tosses this one back without the salt and lime, but Dennis opts for the whole process.**

 

**Neither one of them say anything for a long moment.**

 

**There’s something in the air. Tense, almost, which is weird for them.**

 

**MAC**

Hey, you got something there.

 

**He points vaguely to Dennis’s face, and Dennis wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand.**

 

**DENNIS**

Thanks.

 

**MAC**

No, it’s like-

 

**He reaches over, and flicks the salt off Dennis’s face.**

 

**His fingers linger.**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

There.

 

**N** **either of them of them move, until simultaneously, as if commanded by some mysterious force, they do. They lean over the bar and kiss slowly and tenderly, more love than passion, more feeling than intensity.**

 

**They break apart, however their faces are but mere inches from each other.**

 

**DENNIS**

...did you get it?

 

**Mac says nothing, but nods, eyes closed.**

  
  


**SCENE 9:**

**INT: DENNIS’S BEDROOM - NIGHT**

 

**The intro of “Careless Whisper” begins as the scene is slowly revealed. Soft lighting, cheesy framing.**

 

**What’s this?**

 

**Oh, yes, you guessed it.**

 

**That 8 minute, extremely graphic sex scene that leaves** **_nothing_ ** **to the imagination. Thanks for the #concept, Glenn Howerton. We're making your dreams a reality.**

 

**As always, Dennis is looking sweaty as all hell, and really, Mac’s not looking much better. But hey, at least they’re having fun, right?**

 

**Just so we’re clear, this scene goes on.**

 

**For 8 whole minutes.**

 

**No breaks.**

 

**No stops.**

 

**Just soft lighting, careless whisper, and some sweaty, _sweaty_ dudes.**

  
  


**SCENE 10:**

**INT: EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT**

 

**Charlie lies in a hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of machines. Dee and Charlotte sit on either side of him in chairs, and Frank sits next to Charlotte, in a deep sleep.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Guess “Rock, Flag, and Eagle” wasn’t a great choice for 90 degree weather, huh?

 

**Dee smiles and hands him his trans flag bandana. He takes it and ties it back around his head.**

 

**DEE**

I told you not to do it.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Did you just not look up the weather?

 

**He shrugs.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Weren’t Mac and Dennis with us?

 

**DEE**

They went back to the bar instead of coming with.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dennis thought you were faking.

 

**CHARLIE**

The hell could they be doing? What’s more important than me almost dying?

 

**SMASH CUT TO:**

**INT: DENNIS’S BEDROOM - NIGHT**

 

**No soft lighting or music this time.**

 

**Cue all the gross, worst sex sounds possible.**

 

**Groaning, bedsprings squeaking, the works.**

 

**It's fuckin' nasty, man.**

 

**CUT BACK TO:**

**INT: EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT**

 

**Charlie shrugs.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Do we have health insurance?

 

**Dee scoffs.**

 

**DEE**

Of course not.

 

**Charlie begins unhooking himself from the machines, and Charlotte sighs. She pokes Frank awake and stands.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’ll go get a wheelchair.

 

**THE END**


End file.
